SO MUCH LOVE, IT'S A SHAME

by Ana Vallejo

For the first time, I am looking at myself in silence for prolonged periods of time. Through research of neuroscientific and psychological journals, therapy, interviews, and anonymous inquiries I am exhaustively scrutinizing my fears, desires, obsessions, and defenses.

I am photographing, collecting, and recapturing traces in all the mediums that become available to me, transcribing my unprocessed and obsolete inner workings into another version of myself.

Our eyes meet and a chemical reaction takes place.

A rush of dopamine increases my focus as we simultaneously scan each other’s presence.

Unconscious attraction drives me to know this person and the experience proves to be exhilarating, an intense print of pleasure has been formed in my memory again.

Quickly, my source of gratification shifts and becomes a bit more elusive, a red flag of what is ahead.

Intermittent reinforcement is always the most irresistible and reckless, my reptilian brain is in charge from now on. 

I can’t control my surroundings, and stupidly cling tightly. At every hint that the source of my energy, focus, and pleasure might vanish, I fall into despair.

In this hypervigilant state, every disturbance in my surrounding is sensed with suspicion. 

My anxious nature knows this road a little too well. The thrill has been asphyxiated.

At this point he is miles away from my reach. Prolonging the situation will only lead to increasing degradation.

Then again, if I had been given any control in this process I would have most likely also fled.

I find myself in isolation fearing a void within myself. “How can you not provide yourself with your own sense of worth?” The weight of this judgement inundates all my mental spaces.

My thoughts lose continuity and the blob of fragments overwhelm me, I can only process that I am not fit for this world. 

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ABOUT THE PROJECT

I want to know what the experience of falling in and out of love feels like to you. Fill out this anonymous form to be a part of this project.


ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ana Vallejo is a Colombian photographer who is viscerally attracted to color and emotions. She is fascinated with human perception and with how art and social bonding expand our sentience and concept of self.

Ig: @anacvallejo
anacvallejo.com

MONTAGE AND ART DIRECTION BY FOTODEMIC