I am leaving southern Oregon - Letter to a friend
by Cristian Caceres from Grant’s Pass, Oregon
I was hoping not to get stuck. I left California to avoid the National Guard and a day after, the rumors became true. I have been outside for a large part of the last two years. I survived the winter in California against the worst of my bad thoughts. I dreamt of being free to move when the cold withered, but the pandemic has prolonged the isolation. It feels as if the summer never came. I can't bear to remain inside for yet more months. I know you wanted me to stay in Cali when I left. I can't not move. I went to Oregon at night, smuggled in the back of a friend's pick up truck who was also trying to leave. Got to Selma and slept next to the highway. After a while of catching rides I began riding trains north. My ear was getting worse and without insurance I had to find a way to reach the Olympia Free Clinic. Stranded in Portland I witnessed the most miserable situation I've seen local houseless people in. The slogan to "Stay inside, save lives" had completely abandoned them to the constant rain & the police who harassed them constantly. Shelters cut their openings nearly in half, public electricity outlets were cut off as well as water fountains. I took a risky ride to escape this place and was lucky to reach Tacoma unharmed. I managed to get my ear fixed & was sheltered by friends in Southern Oregon when I went back down. "A" and I stocked up on food, they had a car and we drove down giving it out to any who needed it. I wanted to try and stay inside alongside people I felt safe with. Days go by with nothing. I did my best. But living like this it's hard to stay sane when all I think about is self-destructive. I am watching all the bad habits I might fall into or have in the past, creep up on me again. There is a lot of drinking. We do what we can to support each other. Some of us have had strong suicidal thoughts. We talk about it as best we can. It felt good to be somewhere I can relate to people, and know whom I speak to understands. One of our friends woke up feeling bad and gave a close friend their gun in fear they might use it on themselves. It's been a long time and they've yet to ask back for it. I've done what I can to stay here but things keep changing. A lot is going on right now. I'm tired of being in this town that is so racist. I saw someone with a bumper sticker that said "If it's brown, flush it down the toilet". I am leaving Southern Oregon, looking for a place where I can do something useful. I am so grateful I got to see you again, I thought I wouldn't and I'm terribly sorry I might not see you before I leave.
I love you,
Cristián.
